I asked her if she even reads my blog anymore. ya know, with all the nice things I say about her it’d be an alright side bennefit to have her think fondly of me for thinking fondly of her. What the fuck is that? The manipulation I’m capable of blindly inflicting on others sickens me. She told me she doesn’t read my bullshit anymore. She stopped reading my blog after I pasted pictures of my bloody arms up on here. It was then she realized that my blog might not be healthy for her to be exposed to and was probably a detriment. I commended her wisdom for staying clear from that which hurts her, in this case, my own words and images.
When I was talking to her I was overcome by a feeling of needy attachment and what i learned to call “love”, which was really codependence. It started out as giving a part of myself to another person to control. Here, take this part of me. You want to give me a part of you? How fucking cool! This must mean that we feel connected with one another and that we share a common bond, a common likeness of one another. By giving them a part of me I always gave them the power to make me complete or to make me incomplete. This time, when I was talking to her I realized this error in what I have done. I have done it again without even conciously thinking of it – I gave her a part of me. It was when we kissed. No, it was when we slept together. No, it was when I started talking to her again. No, it was when I became aware of her slowly more and more. It started with my own thoughts. It started when I gave her a part of my thoughts daily. Over time rematerializing in to action and multiplied by her reactions. I wasn’t a knowingly willing participant of this transaction. It just happened, but this time the precipitent I recognized. That feeling of incompletion, of dissapointment when she wasn’t controlling the part of me I gave her to my satisfaction. Thus breeds all sorts of manipulation. Give them the power to change you then manipulate them to control the outcome of your own emotions.
But is self-awareness enough? Can information alone bring about a natural reaction in myself to make change?
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