check in

I’m not on an island. I’m at my computer again, so i have no excuse but to satisfy the haunting feeling telling me to write.

I got back from Galiano on Friday. We ditched out early cause we were all losing our minds on that island. The end of the third tour of duty. Without Carl, our crew seemed to lack direction and motivation to work. So we came back a day early. Good for me, cause I only really had one hand after my incident with the nail gun the day previous.

I slept with her last night. I hesitate writing this… cause I know every girl I’ve slept with in the last 6 months reads this blog. But what the hell… feeling like living on the edge. And it’s not like any of the girls I’ve slept with in the past siz months have been monogomous. Jealousy is a weird emotion. It’s taken a toll on me, and I’ve come to realize that hiding shit for fear of causing jealousy only makes the emotion more painful when inevitably the truth comes out.

Still though, isn’t denial great? To think you’re one with one person, and one person only. To feel total comfort with that person? Total trust, even for a moment? To wake up beside them without guilt? To not want to run away but to just kick off the external world and stay in bed all day? I only feel that with you. Fuck, why is that? Why is it that you are the only one that seems so perfect to me in all your blatent imperfection? I’m happy I feel free to write you honest poetry without fear of losing you. Cause I’ve lost you too many times to count and it seems we are always connected again. It was perfect.

My MOTU 828 broke. fucking bullshit. had it for less than three weeks and now i can’t fucking record anything. Ack. Fucking bullshit, I tell you.

So I’m in town till Thursday morning. On Thursday I’m going back to Galiano to pick up the tools and gear and bring it all back to Vancouver. That will mean the end of the Galiano jaunt.

My serenity has become dependant upon my work lately. Whenever I am at work I feel satisfied, useful, alive and connected to whatever the fuck ‘god’ has become. Money? Whenever I am not working I feel volatile, toxic, confused, anxious, stressed and chaotic. I’m gonna start meditating every day for half an hour. See what that does for me.

Listening to Lou Reed’s Berlin and Transformer.