sitting here with a bass between my knees. gratified. satisfied. put in a lot of hours this week at work. if you want a quantitative total it works out to 59 hours in the last 7 days. bling bling i guess. but more important to me is this feeling of usefulness and productivity. i haven’t felt depressed in ages. months.
just plugged in my phone. charging the deadness. checked my messages. i love the people in my life. i really, really do. i love that i have the choice to contact who i want to and that there is a reciprocity between us.
she called having a mental breakdown, by the sounds of it. she dropped her cell phone in her oatmeal a few days ago. so poetic. i’m the only phone number she knows by heart. i feel honored, come to think of it. even though the memory of my number over all others is probably nothing more than a coincidence. but yes, she was having a mental breakdown, on the message she left me. said she was near tears. said i was her only link to the outside world. told me she just needed to talk to me. She called at 8:05.
SHE called me! I was so happy to see one missed call from her place of work. She actually called me, and she left a message too. I wish i hadn’t automatically deleted it after listening to it or maybe I wouldn’t have to recite her call for future reference. She was just calling to say hi. To tell me that she misses me. She fucking misses me. can you believe it? her tone was casual. Like nothing ever happened. Like everything is right as rain. and it is, cause she called me. She called at 8:22. I called her back right away. She called me more than three hours ago but my phone was dead. She picked up the phone. we talked for a couple minutes, the how are you, how are you nonesense. she’s calling me back in twenty.
he called me to talk but got my answering machine. the message was long. a good 4 minutes. he called to tell me that he realized he is terrified of living. he used the word terrified. I don’;t think he mentioned any specific things he was terrified of but just referred to the scarryness of being alive especially now that he’s sober. nothing to dull the pain. nothing to hide the fear. but there is things. there is always something to dull the pain and hide the fear. it seems somedays that’s all i am looking for, is that next fix. that next dose of escape and numbness. or if nothing else a distraction. but what from? what is there to be afraid of? to hide from? to escape from? is our existence really that horrific or are these feelings void, figments of our imagination? no one is hunting us down. no one is too much to handle, too powerful to be cut out of our lives. nothing is too daunting. so then what is it? what is it that you are so terrified of? he called at 10:54.
Leave a Reply