the detachment is the solution, not the problem.
and i figure that if what really bothers me about x and y relationship is my dependency upon her and the resulting disapointment then maybe i should just disconnect.
I felt the same way with you until it was discussed openly and honestly and I could detach and boundaries were set.
i guess i’ve just been thinking a lot about the company i keep and how much i loathe it so much of the time because of the expectation i place on it to change the way i feel or to have it not change the way i feel and for it to affect me regardless. it’s bullshit. i want it to stop. it’s fucking killing me inside. so… i dunno. i guess i’m really detaching from everyone. So that’s what I’ve been doing, detaching, becoming the master of myself and spending any free time i do have by myself, writing, recording songs, reading, cooking.
i can’t deal with being controlled by other peoples intetntional or unintentional influence upon me.
i see it as me becoming more independant, stronger as an individual. if i can take care of myself, my own internal then maybe i’ll actually have something to contribute to the relationships i am in.
i rarely find human connection an amazing thing. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. Up till I was 15 or so I hardly ever hung out with friends after school like the other kids. I preferred to be alone. Companionship has always been a stress and a chore.
watching you two in your interactions, your cute glances and kissy faces makes me sad cause i want someone to care that much about me (even though it may look unhealthy to me at times). But i know that that jelousy is my own defect.
but i think a lot of my fear surrounding our relationship (and others) comes back to this dependancy thing. like i really don’t know how to be emotionally detatched and unneedy in relationships. so, i am reluctant to trust you cause i know that means giving you the power to make me feel like shit.
on other dependancy issues… i miss breanna. but maybe i think i don’t miss her.
i miss the idea of having someone thinking about me all the time, mad about me, giving me attention, affection.
i wouldn’t call her. she doesn’t want to hear from me.
it’s not about her then, it’s about me. but even if it is about me, the way i feel, it is still caused by her:
i think we’re interconnected, right. it’s not like it’s never anyone else’s fault. other people totally “fault” me all the time. “fault” is a perceptional thing. to them they’re not faulting me. but to me they are. but that only occurs cause something in me is being affected by their actions. but they are their actions, they always are. they just can’t really be blamed.
still whacking off a lot?
‘d rather get myself off than use someone else to do it.
i’m better at it.
i am so celebate it’s sick.
If they kill you on their TV
You’re a martyr and a Lamb of God.
thank you for initiating this conversation, Anna.
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