leave everything looking good on the outside.
I went to donate blood today. I had an appointment and I walked there from downtown. I arrived half an hour early and I checked in at the reception desk. I sat down at the nurse’s station and felt the sting as she tested my blood for iron. I was sent off to fill out the questionaire. I was beginning to feel the dread as I answered the questions truthfully.
Have you taken any illegal drugs intravenously in the last 12 months? NO.
Have you had sex with anyone in the last 12 months who has used illegal drugs intravenously? YES.
I thought maybe there was a chance I would still be allowed to donate. I’m not sure why i so badly want to donate and consequently why I fell so upset that I am rejected. The nurse tells me to extend both my arms, hands open and show her both sides. We both looked down at the scars at the same time. I had already predicted this moment but it didn’t prepare me for the way i would feel. What are these from? I used to cut myself. How long ago? Uhm, last year. What date? I’m not sure. Try to remember. Was it in the last 12 months? Yes, it was in the last 12 months. Are you seeing someone about that? Uhm, well, I went to treatment, (get off my fucking back.). Oh, good I’m glad you’re okay. Yeah, I’m wonderful. But unfortunately I’m going to have to defer from donating until 12 months from today. Oh, okay, I understand. We are not sure if you might have contracted some sort of blood infection or disease. So, you can go help yourself to the tea and coffee and juice and cookies in the refreshment area, YOU FUCKING LOSER.
I left the center and tried to hold back the tears. I guess the fact that I haven’t smoked today could have also been a contributing factor to my emotional vulnerability. I sat down at the back of the bus thankful that my sunglasses hid the tears from the people staring at me. I tried to identify my anger, what emotions were at the root of my anger. Shame came first to mind. Then sadness bathed my mind. But the strongest feeling stained my thoughts as it came to mind. REJECTION. I felt defective. I still feel defective. Like, I went out of my way to try to do something good for other people. To be selfless. to be of service. And in return, I was told I wasn’t even good enough for that. Fuck you, i felt like telling the nurse. Fuck you, do you know what I’ve been through? Do you know how strong I am to resist the things I’ve resisted? To give up the things I’ve given up? The fucking misery I’ve been subjected to? Fuck it, I still just feel worthless and rejected.
On another note, I’ve stopped believing any of the nice things people say. It makes me feel so vulnerable to believe them. Even if they are telling the truth, it is till so much easier in the long run to just deny whatever you are trying to say. It is usually bullshit, not actually factual information. It’s bullshit to try and make you feel comfortable or loved or something. Either way, the result is the same, when I believe it I give in to you and you suddenly have the power over me. I give you the power to cut me down with your next words, cause I stupidly believed you actually cared.
Fuck, i’m starting to sound like the dark.
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