I watched Metallica’s Some kind of Monster, a documentary about the making of their last album and in large about the band as a whole over it’s 20 year history. They formed their band before my current age. I am reading Allen Carr’s book on quitting smoking. The picture on the back of him dates him to his 60’s. He probably wrote it when he was 40. I am and have always been so interested in things people have done. Things people have done that I, in my own seperate world view, listen or read and think of the maker. I have never been entirely sure of what my purpose is in life but i have always dreamed to just be a maker. A maker of something. Something that would affect someone else like me, In their own seperate world like my life has been affected by others. I kneel on the carpet before my window, my window which overlooks Vancouver. I look to the mountains, downtown, the trainyard on the old landfill. I embrace the greatness of it all and wonder what it is I will make. I know it will be something great, but the intesity is in not knowing what or when. I could be 60 before I make my great something. Or maybe it will happen next year. I can think all i want about what I will make. Will I be in a hit band recording platinum albums and touring the world? What instument would I play? Will I produce platinum-selling albums? Will I be the next Basquiat? Will I be a famous designer? Will I go to school to further my education and become someone who makes things that I haven’t even thought of? Will I have a son who I will love and cherish and teach everything I know who will in then become great? Or will I eventually lose interest in my life-long dream of being a maker of something great? Maybe there is a whole lot more in store for me than I even can possibly conceive. I suppose my greatest fear is the fear that I face every single day of my life and is some days more burdensome than others. That fear being that I will not fulfill this desire to make something great. That I will be a no body.
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