shutoff

I’m done trusting. I’m done with you. I don’t hate you, I might even have love for you. I don’t know what fuckin love is. I wanted to be your friend and there were times when i thought that’s how it was. There was times when I looked in to your eyes and I knew that I could look in to your eyes for the rest of life and feel companionship. But then whether fault of yours or my own, (i know you’re thinking to yourself “it’s his own”) I became an obligation, a chore, another plan in your life to be scheduled. I never should let myself me so vulnerable. You don’t even seem to care when I tell you I’m hurt. And what I hate about telling you is a seem like a needy bitch.

I just wanna shutoff from you. I am officially closing the border to emotional engagement. And i know I’ve said that before. Probably never directly to you, but you may have sensed it. It probably feels similar to how i feel when you pull away from me, physically, emotionally, spiritually. And then i feel alone. And then I blame you, but soon the boomerang of blame comes around and I get smacked in the head with the guilt of knowing I’m really to blame. To blame for letting you in, letting you close, trusting that you wouldn’t hurt me, trusting that you actually could control your faculty for hurting me. Not physical hurt, atleast not so much. I take care of that. Emotional pain and anxiety leads to slashing. But ultimately I’m to blame, and i fucking hate that fact. Cause when i’m alone and crying cause i feel so fucking abandoned and alone I look to the only one who I imagine could recitfy my pain and then I get another boot in the face, and so I cry more, and when I’m done looking for you to offer me a solution I blame you but then when I realize you don’t even give a fuck about giving me pity I realize the futility in my pity. Arrival at the final stages of self-pity and loathing. A place where I am so familiar. Even now you don’t give a fuck, so i look to the only one who can, my face in the mirror. I realize we are alone and there is no rescue squad. There is no salvation. My only salvation comes in the form of a supreme spiritual entity. A fucking “god”. It’s entirely a figment of my imagination. A coping mechanism without which I would have no reason to live. Cause when you realize love is lie you realize your eternal loneliness. And to me and the god of my head eternal loneliness is death.