Hey. I was gonna send you a text message. I was gonna tell you I love you. I was gonna say “have a nice day”. But then I just erased it and listened to Chopin. I wouldn’t want to overstate that I think you are really great. See, I don’t want to influence the situation. I don’t want to look back on this moment a two weeks from now and remember the downfall of our relationship as my responsibility, as a result of me saying anything that might change how things are. How pathetic. To deprive myself of my own will because of a fear. It’s just that, sometimes I think I can actually control the situation. That I think I know whats best for me. That I should even think at all. I shouldn’t. I don’t want to. I wish I couldn’t.
They tell me I’m going crazy. I think I’m going crazy. My thoughts, these thoughts don’t feel like mine. I feel like I’m in transition, like i’m detatched from myself.
I just want to sleep all day. The past while has been a mess. I wake up hungry at 1pm. I eat immediately and drink coffee. After this all I want to do is go back to bed. When I don’t, I become increasingly more depressed. If I do, I wake up late in the evening still depressed. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m lost at sea. Treading water in a fridgid pool of sharks. In a retirement home, lethargic and senile, my only comfort faded memories and the characters that I dream exist in the people around me.
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