Crazy going slowly am I

I had a dream last night that i was offered a pipe and I walked away. The feeling was intensely real. I remember it was really hard to just walk away and i almost didn’t. But I was glad after that I had.

Someone who I really respect read my blog and told me that my writing is really good. A part of me didn’t believe him that he was telling the whole truth. I’ve always thought my writing is nothing special. It was an interesting and noted event. But the more significant event is that since then I’ve found it really hard to write on here. This is problematic. Originally I didn’t tell anyone about my blog, thinking that those that stumbled upon it from deadempire.com would be surprised but I definately was not trying to promote it. Several months later I starting letting people know about it, but i still didn’t believe that anyone cared enough to read it. So when someone read a bunch of my writing and had something other than death threats and insults to say I was pretty shocked. And I’m still shocked and trying really hard to focus on the original intent of this thing… To just be my journal open for public viewing, so that I can feel less isolated in my own head and perhaps throw my thoughts out there to the world so that I can feel more a part of the human collective conciousness.

Feeling really fucked right now. The poetry scrawled all over my desk in my room is evidence of this. So anyway, I have faith that as soon as I start to straighten out spiritually, my thinking and in turn my writing will start to straighten out as well. And by straighten out I mean more interesting, cause I’m bored myself writing this… And if you’re thinking that maybe I should try writing something that doesn’t bore me, that’s sort of the problem. I don’t know what doesn’t bore me anymore. I don’t know that the reasons and causes behind anything I’m doing right now are in fact valid or true. Everything is up in the air right now. My head feels slanted. My eyes feel like they’re bugging out of my head all day. I am anxious and feel prone to a panic attack at any moment. Crowds and loud noises make me feel really uncomfortable. Sleep is nice, when I can. It’s the only time I don’t feel crazy.