Just went for a four hour ride on my BMX around down town. I’m actually (finally) learning how to bunny hop. Well, I did learn to bunny hop tonight but it’s pretty weak. I can get like 6 inches. once i learn to use my body more rather than my arms i should be able to hop like a meter in the air. I’m excited in anticipation for that day and i know it is soon.
I’m quitting smoking. Started taking Zyban on Sunday. I enirely stop smoking in a week or so… I’m pretty stoked on it. I’ve come to find smoking as pointless as smoking meth. Cept, i think nicotine is a harder substance to cease taking than meth. Or maybe i’m just well adjusted to stopping meth.
Last night i started feeling really fucked. I don’t really know what caused it, but it’s continued through most of today. The most observable symptom being that I’m really moody. I’ll be okay one second then slip in to a sudden harsh depression. It’s a really uncomfortable vibe. I feel raw, like i’m not wearing any skin. Like I’m stripped down to bare muscles and everyone is judging me. Really vulnerable. I am saying things that I wouldn’t expect myself to say. And i am feeling like a different person– in a bad way. I don’t feel like myself. Anyway… i hope this episode passes.
I know I’m not supposed to analyze my feelings… but fuck it, i like my amateur psychology.
Possible causes of my moodiness:
• Going on Zyban and the antidepressants fucking with my mood
• My ego having issues with girls. I may expand on this somtime but basically I’m learning a lot about relationships and how i react to girls based on my fucked up instincts.
• Doing my Step Four. Pretty fucked up shit.
I have the new Nine Inch Nails album. It’s not released in stores till May 3 but I have it. It’s good. I would describe it as NiN with less of a Ministry vibe and more of a Depeche Mode vibe. Some really cool production techniques that i want to try out and copy.
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