It’s been raining for so long… Or, I guess I remember it being nice out… Now I’m talking about the weather, which is inherently lame, but Hastings is oh so much grosser when it’s raining.
Saw a syringe yesterday on the sidewalk… Had a thought of taking in to the needle exchange for a fresh one, but i kept walking.
As the days pass my spiritual connection seems to whither. I’ve relapsed a lot. I know a lot about what it feels like to be clean and get high and get clean and get high and get clean and get high. I don’t have the same experience as those in the fellowship who have been clean since they first were told–that there is a solution to their problems dealing with life that lead to the necessity to ‘medicate’ with drugs to feel okay. I’ve had glimpses of this solution. But I suppose I’ve always lacked a certain faith in the solution, that it will work, which i think is very necessary for it to even work. A fucking leap of faith. But back to what i was talking about about the whithering connection… This connection is really the core of the solution for me. If I don’t have to deal with life, if there’s some power that I’m connected to on a spiritual level I can cope with life. But as time goes on, I get really busy sober. I wake up usually not too stoked to be alive, usually not too stoked to have to deal with life. But then I am barraded by requests and jobs to do stuff. This never happened to me while using. I used to wake up and wonder how my life got to be so shitty. Then I would spend all my time finding ways to distract from and deal with my crazed head. This usually involved drugs cause they worked really well for this for a while. And I would do whatever, whoever to get them…. blah blah blah…. shudup nick
Been playing drums a lot lately. Well, the past few days- the extent of my RAM. what a geek. My right hand is ripped and covered in blisters. It feels really fucking good to be playing again. Tonight a few friends and I jammed at Pete’s studio down Hastings. There was a few times when we really sounded good… And i dreamed of our future in a band, on tour, in the studio, the common bond amongst us, the freeflow of creativity. It also filled me with fear. I am affraid of being inadequate. >>>>>
I am becoming painfully vulnerable lately. A total anxiety case. Afraid of so much. It’s as if all my fears are rising to the surface and exposed for all to toy with. I am grateful I have friends who care about me. Who really care to help me. Who really don’t want to hurt me. I do the same for them. Brotherly/sisterly love. Feels good.
This is getting long.
Leave a Reply