Did my step 3 formally yesterday with my sponsor. Got down on my fucking knees and prayed. I have found it necessary over the past 18 days to do this a lot. It used to seem hokey and pointless. But now I am very sure that if i run my life based on my will I’m fucked. I’ve proved this to myself over and over again. My will, that is to say my actions and reactions to life are derived from a set of instincts that have become whack, ineffective at producing good results. And by good results I mean a state of being that I can live comfortably with.
So all this means that I have been getting through the last 18 days clean by praying a lot. I have been praying to rid myself of the chaos in my mind surrounding how I should deal with situations that arise. I pray in the morning saying, “god, please show me what to do today. Shut me up and show me what to do, cause I don’t know what to do.” Then I say that prayer a lot during the day when I’m unsure of how to react to a situation, be it whether to go to school, how to deal with money, how to deal with people, and most importantly when I feel my will taking direction of my life.
I also pray when i feel angry. I just stop focus on this all-powerful energy and say in my head, “god, save me from being angry. Help me to see this person as sick and show me how i can be of service to them.”
I’m really stoked on this whole new way of dealing with life. It makes my days a lot easier to deal with and actually quite enjoyable. I’m starting to resent myself now… but it’s the truth.
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